May 11, 2009

Nice Parking, Asshole

On a Friday morning, I woke up to find that outside my apartment, where once a city was in the beginning stages of spring, was now covered in a fresh blanket of snow, yet again. It was late March and usually by this time of year, we have that wonderful sloppy wet mess around town that let’s us know, it’s not too long till summer is here. The grass is still very damp and can’t perk up enough to look like its once great green color. There’s still a lot of sand and salt on the street corners and all the cars are half covered in mud and filth. Half of which are driving around with the old, “Wash Me!” etched on their back windshields.

Slowly but surely I got dressed and headed down to my car. I finally have a parking space in my building. Before that, I was parking down in the Forks Market and had to trek every morning down there and back again when I got home from work. It’s great in the summer time, but it sucked ass in the first few weeks of winter. Digging your car out of a thick blanket of snow is no ones idea of a good morning. And nothing is worse than getting frost bite across your semi-large nose.

But no more. Now I park in my own little parking stall away from the cold and snow. And today, I couldn’t wait to get out of the garage and head into work. It was a co-workers birthday today and I had promised to get her a birthday cake. But not just any cake, I got a strawberry cheesecake, (as per her specific request). She wanted strawberries on top of the cake and not the mixed-in type. Unfortunately, there was no such thing when I went shopping. Instead I bought extra strawberries to scoop out and add to the cake. I think that’s gonna win some brownie points. Can’t wait to see her face!

As the garage door opened up, I realized on this day that I, like many others in the city, hate Winnipeg drivers. Right in front of my garage door was a black SUV. Parked so perfectly in my way that I couldn’t even attempt to maybe drive over the sidewalk to get around it. I just stared at it for the longest time in disbelief. Who the fuck does that?! A man with a cigarette half hanging out of his mouth passed in front of my car. He looked at the SUV and then looked at me. Instinctively, I looked at him and mouthed the words, “Is that your car?”

I quickly realized that my face still showed just how pissed off I was at the moment. And as soon as I mouthed the last syllable, I tried to quickly turn on the charm and give the guy one of my biggest and sheepish grins. Thankfully he shook his head and walked on. I jumped out of my car, and walked up to the behemoth that was in my way. On his windshield was a piece of paper with a note on it. “Stuck in snow. Just waiting for tow truck.”

Are you shitting me? This thing was a 4x4 tank. And it was somehow stuck in a snowdrift that barely came past my shins? Fucking Winnipeg drivers! So back in the garage I go, close the door and head back upstairs. I called work first to let them know the situation. Luckily I tend to get to work an hour ahead of schedule, so at least I had enough time to come up with a back up plan.

My first thought was to ask a co-worker to come on down to pick me up if they could. People were willing but no one had the time. “Couldn’t you take a cab,” asked our receptionist. Well yeah I could, but see I have this thing where I like to save up all my cash tips and try to see how long I can go without spending it. I was just about to break an even one hundred dollars that week and really didn’t want to have to dip into the pool before I hit the mark. But hey, I needed to get to work.

I called two cab companies and was put on hold for ten minutes each. As I hung up the phone and was prepared to head back down to check the situation one last time, the phone rang in my hand. It was my Dad.

I gave him the whole run down of the jack ass who was parked out in front of my garage and how I was going to be late for work and no one could come down and pick me up and wah wah wah. I didn’t even get to finish my bitching before he said, “I’m on it!” and hung up. So back downstairs I went and waited for my pops to show up to my rescue.

While waiting in the front lobby I could still see the big ass 4x4 in the front. Across the street at the local restaurant, a guy in a black suit and coat walked out into the street. Under his dark sunglasses he looked at the SUV, looked up the street and down the street, heaved a great big sigh and started to dial away on his blackberry. It was HIM! I resisted the urge to run out in the street and knock him on his ass. Ten minutes rolled by and the guy popped in and out of the restaurant. Looking one way then the other down the street, heaving his great big sigh of displeasure and then typing his sorrows away on his little friend, the blackberry.

Another five minutes later and the tow truck arrived. The tow truck driver jumped out and the suit with the phone carefully bounced over to him, (can’t get any of that icky snow on his nicely polished shoes). He pointed to the SUV and sulked. The tow truck driver looked at the vehicle, looked back at the suit and asked him if he tried going in “reverse”? I liked the tow truck driver immediately. So the suit goes bounding into his mobile tank and tries to drive it. “Try reverse” screamed the tow truck driver. The SUV did a half assed lurch forwards and backwards, as if the guy had no idea that cars can move in a backwards motion. After one second of trying to move, the suit bounces back out again and sulks again.

The tow truck driver, (who was really trying to save this guy a few bucks by not having to do anything that he’d have to charge him for) grabbed a shovel out of the back of his cab and swept the snow out from under each of the tires. “Try it now,” he said. You’ve got to be kidding me. This douche in black didn’t even clear the snow from his tires? My right eye started to twitch uncontrollably. Back into the 4x4 the suit goes. Same thing as before, he goes a little forward, stops, goes a little backwards, stops and gets out of the car…and sulks.

Just in case some of you are reading this and are saying to yourselves, “What’s wrong with that?” I’m gonna educate you on getting your ass out of a snow drift. It’s called; “Rocking the car.” What you do, (and what the tow truck driver was trying to get across to this guy) is you drive forwards for a second and then slap it into reverse. Forwards, reverse, forwards, reverse. This causes the car to rock back and forth giving it some momentum to help you move past whatever is getting you stuck. I’ve driven to Brandon and back through snow that came over the front end of my car. Through blinding snow storms across the Trans-Canada highway, where even semi-trucks were turned over on their sides. If I can do that, how the fuck can an asshole in the city not get a fucking 4x4 off of a goddamn sidewalk!?

Regardless, the tow truck guy eventually gave up trying to help this guy help himself and hooked up the old tow line. Within a minute, the guy was out of the way and I could drive my car out of the garage. At the same time, my Dad had just pulled up in front of my building. As I came out of the front entrance with my arms raised above me in disbelief, he cackled in his truck.

“You’ve got great timing, dude”

He chuckled, “I’d say so!”

He waited to see if I could get my car out and past the snow drift in front of my garage. When I got into my car and started the engine, still pissed at this douche bags incompetence, the radio turned on. Playing on the station was that really lame song, “Hell Yeah” by some Nickleback wannabe band. I never gave the song the time of day before now. But as that garage door went up, and I was lined up perfectly with the exit. The line in the song stated, “Are you ready for the best damn time of your life?”


“Give me a ‘HELL’, Give me a ‘YEAAAAHH’,” is the exact moment when my car exploded thorough the snow bank out onto the street. The tow truck guy turned and whispered a Keanu-like, “Whoah”, the douche bag in black dived out of the way as my car hit the ground and swerved to a halt. I immediately popped out of the driver’s seat and stared him down.

“Now that’s how you do that shit!”

My Dad had his chest puffed out exclaiming, “That’s my son!” I made it to work on time, enjoyed some birthday pizza, and got a great big hug for keeping my promise of a birthday cheesecake. Not a bad way to start the week.

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